GDT: Muffins with a Side of Chaos
by Teninshigen
Summary: A series of disconnected, non-canon, high-chaos omakes to go along with Gloria Dei est in Tenebris. Largely focussed on the staff and students of Beacon, these have no bearing on the main story. Expect: OOCness, Crack, Slapstick, philosophical musings on the nature of the universe, baked goods, coffee and primordial chaos.
1. A Teacher's Joy

Night had fallen over Beacon. Velvet shadows draped themselves lazily across nebulous architecture, argent moonlight spilling like oil across the scene. The comforting embrace of the warm silence lulled many to their dreams, and to an observer the school seemed truly at peace.

It was only the teaching staff who knew the truth. This illusion of tranquility may have enveloped their students, but in the Teachers Lounge five souls yet held out. Headmaster Ozpin, Professor Goodwitch, Professor Port, Doctor Oobleck and Qrow Branwen. Only their eyes remained open, not a one speaking as their veteran senses strained to their limits.

All eyes were affixed to the clock above the door, awaiting its statement of the hour. A single drop of sweat ran down the headmaster's face, as the hands quivered on the very edge of the twelfth hour...and finally clicked into position.

For a moment, nothing happened. The assembled force even dared to think that maybe, just maybe, they would pass the night uneventfully.

A foolish hope.

The ceiling above their heads suddenly disintegrated, the plaster and miscellaneous building materials rendered unto their smallest components. Dust filled the room, blinding the defenders and dulling their other senses. Immediately after, the lights went out – their Dust powering removed, they died in seconds.

Action was immediate, as the trained Huntsmen and Huntress swung into action. Ozpin crouched over their opponents' objective, a barrier of green energy exploding into existence around him. Port and Qrow stood to either side, settling into fighting stances as they prepared for anything.

Glynda manipulated the air in the room, creating a vortex which sucked away the dust that obscured their sight. At the same time, Oobleck activated his emergency lantern, the Dust within lighting up the room.

They quickly identified their adversaries. There were two of them, dressed all in black. Goggles concealed their eyes, and their only distinguishing features were their heights and gender-specific figures. One tall man, one short woman.

The two sides stared at each other in silence for a moment, before Glynda made the first move. She attempted to pin the shadowy operatives in place, but her attempts were completely ineffective. The male never stayed still enough, ricocheting around the walls. The female simply took the blows on her crossed arms, apparently shrugging off the power of the Huntress' Semblance.

"No petty thieves will ever get the best of Peter Port!" roared the moustachioed professor, attempting to grab the male in one of his signature bear hugs. Unfortunately, he misjudged the distance – instead of his adversary, he found himself clutching nothing but air.

A moment later, a short figure crashed bodily into his knees and sent him to the ground with a massive expulsion of air. One down.

Oobleck darted into the fray, his ungodly speed and reaction times allowing him to grab the male by the arm. A moment later though, his grip was disengaged when two hands wrapped themselves around his forearm and _heaved_. The good doctor found himself flipped bodily over his target, legs flailing through the space once occupied by the ceiling. A second later, he was driven into his floored comrade as he attempted to rise.

Two down.

Qrow shot forward, managing to intercept the female as she rolled away from the downed teachers. He struck out with his feet, aiming to disrupt her balance. He made contact...but it felt like he hit a brick wall. They didn't even flinch, and as dark eyes met equally dark goggles, the veteran gulped.

A moment later, a third body was driven into the groaning pile.

Ozpin still crouched in place, holding his barrier and gritting his teeth as his comrades fell. _Only Glynda left..._ But he couldn't help her. His role was to ensure the objective's safety, and if his focus wavered too much the barrier would become unstable.

The veteran Huntress loosed burst after burst of raw kinetic energy at her opponents, teeth gritted as they evaded each one. _I can't just let loose...replacing the ceiling will be bad enough, but if I wreck anything else we risk going over the budget!_

She was limited in her capabilities...and her attackers took advantage of it. In the space between one strike and the next, the male's utterly unpredictable trajectory intersected with the position of his accomplice. Wrapping one arm around her waist, he spun in place and released with a shout.

Glynda watched the approaching cannonball with a sinking feeling, her Semblance forming a plane of oppositional force before her. She just _knew_ it wasn't going to be enough.

Indeed it wasn't, as the woman's force exceeded the shield's ability to oppose. The two women flew backward together, and the deputy headmaster felt all the air leave her lungs as a covered head buried itself in her gut.

She fell from the wall with a lurch, slumping down onto her side and breathing heavily. Four down.

Ozpin couldn't see the approaching figures...but he could feel their eyes on him. "You...can't have it." he grunted, sparing some concentration for speech. "You will never take it from me!"

The headmaster shuddered...he got the distinct impression that the figures behind him were smiling. There was the sound of groaning and fabric shifting, and concealed amber eyes conveyed dismay. _They wouldn't..._

A moment later, they did. Peter Port was driven bodily into the emerald sphere, held by his legs and hefted over the shorter figure's shoulder. Ozpin shook, the impact sending ripples throughout both his defence and his composure. _No, I can't fail! I mustn't fail! They're counting on me, I-!_

The Port Hammer was brought down again, and the table beneath the headmaster creaked ominously as the force rushed though his shield. _Oh. Maybe I should have put it on the floor._

That was his last proper thought, as the third strike with the impromptu instrument of demolition broke the table's legs, spilling Ozpin and what his comrades had fought so hard to protect onto the floor. The shield shattered as he lost his composure, and the headmaster just lay on the ground panting as the fatigue of holding it caught up with him.

"Damn...you..." he managed to say, even as he saw the taller figure kneel down and retrieve their objective. Port was returned to the pile of groaning Huntsmen, now quite obviously unconscious. The pair left via the door, simply striding out as if nothing of great importance had happened.

Behind them, Glynda was the first to break the ensuing silence. "I did tell you, didn't I? That we should have just let them have it?"

"Glynda, please, just...let us mourn for a minute here."

* * *

In the corridor outside, the retreating duo removed their masks and goggles.

"Jauney, that was _so much fun_! I can't believe we didn't think of doing this sooner!" Nora was even giddier than usual, her skipping carrying her in circles around her equally emotional team leader.

"I know! I have not had that much fun since the...Great Pancake Experiment! We even got the...objective!" Blue eyes turned to the unassuming cylinder currently resting in Jaune's right hand. It was metallic, marked only with a radiation warning symbol. There was no colouration, nor was there any writing.

"That's...that's really it, isn't it?" The transition from bouncy to serious was almost instantaneous, and was reflected in Nora's leader.

"Yes, Nora. Yes it is. We have...finally...succeeded in our...mission." The two kept walking, feet on autopilot as they thought through the ramifications of their actions that night.

"Ren and Pyrrha must...never know of this." Jaune said, getting a nod from his partner in crime.

"Renny's pretty serious about these things. Not that this wasn't worth it, but he wouldn't think so."

The blonde leader looked up and down the corridor, the duo having finally reached their destination. "Then we must act...quickly. Before they...realise we are gone." Pushing through the door beside him, Jaune held it for Nora while he performed another visual sweep of the passage.

Satisfied that they were alone, JN made their way through the shining space they now occupied. "They should be somewhere around here...ah!" Nora quickly discovered their second objective, being gently warmed in an oven.

It was the work of a moment to retrieve the tray from the device and set it on a nearby surface. Tools were pulled from hidden pockets, clinking as they were laid on the chrome surface. "Now, the...moment of...truth."

Jaune reached forward reverently, unscrewing the top of the cylinder. Its contents, no longer constrained by the lead-lined container, bathed its liberators in a warmth like none they had ever felt.

Hands trembling slightly, the blonde decanted the prize into two more containers. He was incredibly careful not to spill a single drop – no lesser metal would survive the touch of this miraculous substance.

Re-securing the lid, Jaune stood before the fruits of their labour. Nora was beside him, silent and motionless as she beheld what they had accomplished. "Are you...ready, Nora?"

"I was _born_ ready, Jaune."

"Then let us...begin."

* * *

Lie Ren and Pyrrha Nikos crept along the corridors of Beacon, their footsteps muffled by the slippers they both wore. Green and magenta eyes swept back and forth, searching for any evidence of JNPR's other half.

Having been awoken by a need to visit the bathroom, JNPR's martial artist had quickly realised that Jaune and Nora were missing. Immediately waking the red-head, he had led the way out into the silent shadows to retrieve their team mates.

Each felt a mix of trepidation and fury...what had happened to their charges? Had they left of their own free will? If so, then what great calamity had befallen the school while its innocents slumbered?

There were too many questions...and now they sought answers. Raising a hand to call for a halt, Ren's keen eyes identified a sliver of light from beneath a closed door. As he checked the plaque on it, his already pale complexion seemed to glow white in the darkness.

Pyrrha's own eyes read the inscription a second after, and she did the same. No longer bothering with stealth, she ran forward and placed her shoulder to the door. With an exertion of brute strength and her Semblance, the metal hinges buckled and were carried forward with the door as Pyrrha cast it aside.

Facing them was a scene from their nightmares. "They actually did it..." the red-head whispered in horror, even as Ren slid to a halt having run in behind her.

"Yes...yes they did."

Sitting before them were Jaune and Nora, happily enjoying a pile of pancakes apiece. The empty mugs of coffee at each of their elbows were the true cause of their concern however...for the two warriors recognised the thermos which sat between their two partners.

That was _Teacher's Coffee._

Stepping forward slowly and carefully, the martial artist and Mistral Champion finally came to stand just behind their respective partners. "Jaune...?" Pyrrha's voice shook, and as her leader slowly turned to face her she took a step back.

"Pyrrha, I can see it."

"See...see what, Jaune?" She was stammering now, unable to look away from the horror before her.

Blue eyes casting light onto the terrified warrior, Jaune stood up from his meal and smiled widely. "Everything."

Beside him, Nora was also standing. Her eyes shone just as brightly, and not even Ren could stand to meet that radiant gaze. "Renny, you should try some."

Green eyes and magenta met for a split second, and each pair of orbs could see the fear in the other.

"Yes, Pyrrha. Join us." As if by magic, the metal cylinder and a mug were present in Jaune's hands.

"Join us, Renny." There was a mug in Nora's hands too, and they started to walk forward in sync. Pyrrha and Ren backed up, finally reaching the kitchen wall and finding themselves trapped.

"Join us."

"Join us."

"Join us."

"Join us."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Night had fallen over Beacon. Velvet shadows draped themselves lazily across nebulous architecture, argent moonlight spilling like oil across the scene. The comforting embrace of the warm silence lulled many to their dreams, and to an observer the school seemed truly at peace.

If they ignored the fact that the entire student body were standing in the courtyard. Their eyes shone like fire, and all of them were turned to the four individuals standing atop the statue which formed the space's centre.

JNPR looked outward to their fellows, but Jaune looked past the students. Past Beacon, past the forests and the waters, to Vale.

"Tonight Beacon...tomorrow, Vale...and then the world."

* * *

 **Author's Note**

 **So...yeah. This is a thing now.**

 **Thought I'd try my hand at writing an Omake for Gloria, but I didn't want to just stick it on the end of an existing chapter...so I'm gonna put this and any follow-ups in their own story archive. I hope my attempts at writing comedy meet with some approval, and that I didn't go overboard with the length.**

 **If you want to see more of this, please let me know – if you aren't enjoying it, then I won't take the time to write it. Simple as that.**

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this even partially as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you have any comments or criticism, please leave a review and I'll be sure to get back to you. Enjoy your day!**


	2. Nora's Kitchen Time: Ep 1

It's a fact of life in Remnant that monsters are real.

They swarm the grasslands, glide through the waters, patrol in the air, stalk the mountains. Save the settlements and a few lands too inhospitable for even their ilk, Grimm are _everywhere_. Thus, not a child on Remnant grows up without knowing of the monsters outside their door.

Of course, it's a big old world. There are a lot of different species roaming about out there. Beowolves and Ursa might be the most common around Vale, there may be Creeps and Deathstalkers in their undergrounds and King Taijitu in their grasslands – but that's _only_ the area around Vale.

From Mistral's Gorgons and native Gryphons to the Sandcrawlers and Lumpfish indigenous to Vacuo, there are more monsters in the world than anyone could reasonably shake a stick at. Thus, the discovery of a new species is, generally, a case for mild interest, a certain level of gibbering terror, and new orders to bomb it 'till it dies.

It is not, normally, a situation handled by three members of a four-man trainee Huntsman cell in the kitchen of their Huntsman Academy, technically under the nose of a Triple S-Rank Huntsman.

Of course, most of those monsters weren't baked, either.

* * *

It was, Lie Ren thought to himself, one of _those_ days.

He'd woken up at a reasonable time for a Saturday (eleven in the morning), and casting his eyes around had shown that his team were already up and about. That was fine by him – while he had found soft spots in his heart for all the people who had wormed themselves into his life, he still valued his private time now and again.

So, he went through his usual ritual of taking forty five minutes to drag himself out of bed, showering (he had, at this point, given up all hope of the phosphorescent pink streaks in his hair _ever_ coming out – he still didn't know what Nora had dyed it with a good eight years before), and then zombie-shuffling his way to the dormitory kitchens.

He had felt a certain measure of trepidation as he approached. At first, he had no idea what was causing it – but a moment's focus had informed him that every Aura related instinct and ingrained response he had was _screaming_ at him that something was wrong.

As he got closer and closer to the door, he'd begun to hear noises. Shouting, detonations, the sound of flesh colliding with solid objects, metal-on-metal, and what sounded suspiciously like a roar.

With his hand on the handle, he'd felt it shuddering and jumping in his hand as great concussions shook the room beyond. He asked himself if he was _really_ doing this – it was just past twelve o'clock on a Saturday, he'd been up late the night before dealing with one of Oobleck's assignments, and he _really_ wanted a quiet day.

Then he'd run the odds for whatever bedlam lay beyond the portal being related directly or indirectly to A) Nora, B) Jaune or C) Both. They were, unsurprisingly, too high for him to ignore.

So, with a long-suffering sigh and a small prayer, he pushed open the door and took in the scene.

As the wooden barrier swung on its hinges, the three figures in the room beyond froze instantly.

The first was Nora. She was dressed in her combat uniform, Magnhild in her hands...but there were a few small differences. One was that she was wearing the charred remains of a chef's hat. Another was the battle-damaged apron she was wearing. And perhaps the most significant was that she appeared to be covered head to toe in what he thought was a mix of flour, raisins and possibly butter.

She was crouched low, as if about to spring – a possibility supported by the way she held her hammer by her side, as if about to swing it over her head. She was near a wall currently bearing a distinctly Nora-esque impact crater, and giving a textbook example of a deer-in-the-headlights expression.

Across the room from her was Jaune. He was in mostly the same state – there were no additions to his uniform however, and he was considerably less coated than Ren's own partner. He currently held Luna Machaera in one hand, poised for a downward stroke, while the other appeared to be encased in Malleus Accudo, which was currently buried in...in...

Slowly, the martial artist took in the room's third 'occupant'. Then he looked up. And up again. Then back down as his brain tried to process this.

The creature was at least nine feet tall, and almost half as wide. It was vaguely humanoid, though there was no definition of any kind beyond there being a torso and abdomen attached to the requisite four limbs and head. It had a face...of sorts. Two clusters of raisins appeared to compose its eyes, and there was a jagged slash acting as a mouth. It was full of what appeared to be crust acting as teeth.

Raisins and crust, because as far as the many-part-time-chef's trained eyes could tell, this monster was...a muffin. Its body was most definitely composed of some baked good, and by the ingredients readily available for observation the only thing Nora could have been trying to make was muffins.

Because it was _definitely_ Nora that had done this. Nora, his best and most well-loved friend, who he'd known as long as he could remember, who never failed to make him smile or give him strength to move forward.

Nora – who had actually been banned, _by Council law_ , from ever cooking in Atlas again.

The Muffin Monster didn't seem much the worse for wear, despite the great chunks of material lying all over the utterly trashed kitchen. Well, if he ignored the fact that his leader's left arm was currently buried to mid forearm in its chest cavity.

The silence was complete as he took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then let it out, eyes closed as he did so. Then, Ren opened his eyes once more, and spoke very clearly. "I expected this, sooner or later."

He reached inside his jacket, retrieving the length of scarlet material there. With a few deft movements, he wrapped it around his head so that the red ribbon became a bandanna, unused material from the knot onwards seemingly flapping behind him in some non-existent breeze.

A quick sleight-of-hand trick produced Stormflower, and he could almost _feel_ his weapon screaming for him to dismantle the abomination before him. "I am Lie Ren, the Shokuhin no Senshi – and I will be your chef for this evening."

And with that, battle was joined.

* * *

An hour, a lot of screaming, sixteen magazines of ammunition for Stormflower, one irreparably damaged kitchen and adjoining hallway and even more screaming later, the three warriors were victorious.

They sat panting, weapons by their sides. Malleus Accudo was still in its full form, due to there being too much muffin in the mechanisms for it to close properly. Magnhild was similarly encumbered, leaving it trapped in hammer form, and Ren was fairly sure that Stormflower was never going to fire quite the same way again.

Still, at least it was dead. That counted for something.

Once they all had their breath back, the martial artist turned to Nora. "Nora. _Why_ , oh Monty _why_ , did this happen?"

The petite warrior smiled at her oldest friend, battle-fever still glowing in her eyes. "Well, it was nearly lunch time, so Jauney and I were hungry. Pyrrha's in the library doing some homework, and you were asleep, and we wanted to experiment, so..." She waved her hand in the general direction of what had once been a kitchen. "Muffins."

Across from her, Jaune shuddered where he sat on a semi-solidified chunk that had once been the monster's right bicep. "Those were not...muffins, Nora. That was...evil."

His partner in what was now probably classifiable as domestic terrorism frowned. "Mister Muffin was _not_ evil, Jaune! He was just misunderstood!"

Ren began to rub his eyes as the two descended into a debate over the sentience and legal rights of autonomous muffin golems in modern society. He was almost curious as to what would come of that conversation – but frankly, he just wanted clarification.

"Nora." The warrior immediately broke off her conversation and faced her partner, Jaune following suit soon after. "I told you about using your Aura in baking last time, didn't I?"

The girl pouted – a move that had taken her partner most of his lifetime to develop some immunity too. "But Renny, it works so much better than the oven! I can get them _just_ right!"

The dark haired boy nodded. "Yes, Nora, you can. But with your Semblance your Aura just has too much of an electrical nature. Combining that with a force that can technically be defined as the 'power of life' in some translations, as well as ingredients which all come from organic sources, causes _this._ " He waved around them to emphasise his point.

The pout grew a half-centimetre, and beside them, Ren could see his leader shudder ever so slightly. Well, it was good to know he wasn't the only one having to work to maintain his defenses in the face of this assault.

"I know..." she mumbled, starting to trace little circles in the flour at her feet using her finger.

"Then what else do you know Nora?" asked her partner, prompting her to give him a very low-powered glare.

"I know not to create sentient masses of popular foodstuffs unless it's an emergency."

"And was this an emergency?" She opened her mouth to answer, and he raised a hand. "Hunger does not classify as an emergency – not when there is a fully stocked and functional dining hall not five minutes' walk away."

Nora seemed about to speak for a moment...but then she closed her eyes again, and her head fell to her chest as if she were a puppet whose string had just been cut. "Sorry, Renny."

A small smile appeared on the martial artist's face as he leaned over and tousled his partner's hair. "Not a problem Nora. Now," he got to his feet, dusting off flour as he went, "shall we go and have lunch?"

""YES!"" came the resounding agreement from both his teammates, and the trio walked out, closing the door behind them with a soft click as they began to walk toward their dorm to shower and change.

And if they happened to leave the remains of Muffingeddon behind them, and if the door happened to fall off its hinges before they had actually left the corridor, then that wasn't their problem.

Yes. Definitely not their problem.

Ren considered.

Well. Not _his_ problem, anyway.

It was too early for this...


	3. The Truth

Qrow Branwen slid down the hallway like a shadow, making no noise on the carpeted floor, not even his cloak disturbing the atmosphere as he passed.

It was about three in the morning. _Nobody_ was awake at this time; REM sleep had kicked in by now, and wouldn't begin to shift for a good couple of hours yet. This was his window; he needed to move now if he wished to succeed.

His senses were on high alert, everything from his sight to his touch boosted to the absolute maximum by adrenaline and Aura, the slightest shift in the component gasses swirling around him immediately drawing his attention to the source.

If he was caught...

No. Better not to think about it.

Finally, after an agonisingly high-tension ten minutes, he reached his destination. He paused, taking a deep breath as he prepared himself mentally. This was going to be a true test of his skill as an infiltrator, and he needed to bring his A-game.

He stood like a rock for ten seconds, and if someone had passed him by, they might have been forgiven for dismissing him as part of the wall, he moved so little.

Then his bloody-red eyes snapped open, the door was pushed wide, and he was moving.

A flick of the wrist brought a plastic bag into his right hand, and clapping his hands together burst it, releasing the powder within. It was just flour, harmless to breath in or have lying around, while focussing his Aura around his eyes would prevent it from gathering there. However, as it filled the air, it served to show him where the laser beams of the alarm system were.

He leapt, still moving swiftly, and space _twisted_ around him. His cloak seemed to extend for a split second, forming a dark wrapping that stretched into infinity as it encompassed his body. Then, Qrow Branwen was gone; instead, there was a dusty old crow with red eyes, which immediately began to carry out some highly unlikely aerial acrobatics.

It took some seriously fancy flying, including angled dives through just-barely-there gaps, flying in the gap between the ceiling and a beam (and on one occasion, the floor and a beam), and at one point he even found himself flying sideways.

But he managed, and emerged from the other side of the system without it being tripped. There was another _twist_ , and the dark Huntsman rose from his crouched position, letting out an incredibly quiet sigh of relief.

Eyes turning forward, he scanned the area. It seemed largely normal, but something was nagging at him...

Acting on a hunch, he gently pressed the fingers of his right hand to the floor, calling on his Aura.

It spread like a pool of blood, its rusty scarlet glow pressing against the walls in a shimmer not unlike the sides of a swimming pool. As it spread further, his inhumanly sharp eyes worked with his instinctive sense of location, afford to him by his Aura – almost like an extension of his touch.

Parts of the floor were raised, just barely, hardly more than a millimetre – but the grid pattern confirmed it. Pressure sensors.

Nodding idly to himself, the Huntsman glanced at the walls to either side. The shadows of the early morning were no barrier to his eyes, and he could pick out the ever so slight reflections on the lenses of the sensors affixed there. 'Hm. Motion sensors, perhaps? Heat? Cameras?'

He couldn't be sure what they were exactly, but he needed to get past them one way or another. Still, he was a professional – it wasn't like he'd come unprepared.

Dust was too big a risk – its emissions could be detected by some specialist equipment, and considering just how valuable his prize was, he had to assume that everything here was bleeding-edge, Atlas-black-op- _wishes_ -they-had-this stuff that probably wouldn't be on the market for at least three months.

The man behind the defences was rather well-connected after all.

Focussing his mind on the area before him, Qrow reached inside his suit jacket, retrieving a large sheet of material which reflected the small amount of light that touched it like a disco ball, its crinkled, silvery surface not making a sound as he wrapped it around himself.

Moment of truth, now. The grid extended for roughly three metres, leaving a clear space before the next door which was only just large enough for his feet – and he needed to land there, perfectly balanced, after a standing start long jump, while ensuring his foil covering didn't fall off.

Piece of cake.

There was a grunt of effort which barely escaped Qrow's throat as he leapt, a slight whistling the only indicator the air gave of his passing as its split around him. Judging by the lack of alarms, his foil had apparently worked, and he landed flawlessly before the final door with a tiny smile of self-congratulation.

He removed and re-folded the foil, returning it to his pocket as he examined the portal before him.

Just large enough for a man to walk through, it was a solid hunk of metal. He knew for a fact that it was three feet thick, and set into the wall around it – which was just as reinforced as the door itself. There were no structural weaknesses to exploit, and the room beyond was airtight.

His focus shifted to the keypad in its centre. This was the only way to gain entry; to know the entire thirty-character-long code, to be able to input it in under two seconds on the first try, and to simultaneously utilise the _exact_ same amount of pressure on each push of a button.

There was no mistake – only a Huntsman, or someone with the same training, could hope to get through this door.

Thankfully, Qrow had that training. And he'd managed to get the code from a...reliable source.

* * *

Elsewhere, Glynda Goodwitch lay on a couch in the Beacon Staff Lounge. She was currently sleeping while her Aura dealt with the rather incredible amount of alcohol she had downed over the course of a conversation with a certain colleague of hers.

A colleague who was so very, _very_ dead when she woke up.

* * *

In a blur of motion that precious few people could have followed accurately, the dark Huntsman input the code. There was a quiet _beep_ , and he pressed both his hands to the right-hand-side of the door, using his entire body to slide it to the left.

It was took some serious work, even with his Aura and long years of training on his side, but eventually the slab of metal had been pushed aside, allowing Qrow access to the room beyond at long last.

It was a cavernous space; the ceiling was shrouded in darkness, as were the walls. There were no lights, and the air felt like it rarely circulated.

It was also piled high with crates.

They were upon one another, below one another, beside each other, and in some cases they seemed to have somehow interfered with the fabric of space and time to be _inside_ one another.

Well, that was about par for the course. The stuff in those crates was powerful in a way that very little short of Dust crystals like the one powering the Amity Colosseum could boast of. It was near-eternal, a maker of Gods and a crowner of men.

And Qrow was now the second person in history to have laid eyes on Ozpin's near-mythical Coffee Hoard.

The Huntsman just stood there for a long moment, staring at it in awe. It was beautiful, in a way; he could feel it reaching out to his soul, singing sweet nothings of energy and wakefulness, enticing him with its smell and its taste, begging him to just reach out and _have a taste-_

A hand clamped down on his shoulder, and Qrow realised he had been shambling toward the mountain of coffee beans like a zombie. Twisting, he found himself faced with the silver-haired Headmaster himself, expression unusually sombre.

"So." He began, tone mystifyingly blank. "You've found your way to my inner sanctum."

Not even waiting to see if the Huntsman replied, amber eyes shifted to stare down the great amalgamation of wood and coffee. "It was inevitable, I suppose, that _someone_ would get in here – quite honestly I expected it would be Glynda. I've been betting with myself about when she'd finally get curious enough to try and find the door to go with the instructions I gave her."

One black eyebrow was raised at that, but Ozpin ignored it. "This is both my greatest treasure, and my most cursed possession."

Another eyebrow went up, and the headmaster expanded on his answer. "It is true, that I value coffee above a great many things in this world. Paperwork. Food. Other drinks. Sleep." He paused. "Paperwork."

The man shook his head. "But nonetheless, I have come to know the truth of the matter." He turned his gaze on Qrow. "Coffee is more than a drink, Qrow. More than a taste, and a texture, and a smell. It is more than simple beans, or a powder, or even a physical existence.

"Coffee is..." He cast around for a word. " _More_. More _real_. Its existence is simply... _more defined_."

One hand, the one not currently holding the cane which had been the headmaster's symbol for years, gestured to the mountain. "Gathering so much of it together in one place...it has consequences." The silver haired man let out a long sigh. "By the time I realised my folly, it was too late. The accumulated weight of this much coffee on the fabric of reality threatens to tear straight through it at the slightest provocation."

Qrow just...listened. He wasn't really sure what else to do. His boss, the headmaster of Beacon, one of Vale's greatest Huntsmen _ever_ , was telling him that the pile of coffee in front of him was capable of tearing a hole in time and space.

He felt a headache coming on.

As he stared dumbfounded at the man, one silver eyebrow finally made its ascent. "What? You didn't think I drank _that much coffee_ just because I liked the taste, did you?" A porcelein mug, seemingly conjured from thin air (and sometimes Qrow wondered what Ozpin's Semblance _really_ was, when a steaming mug of coffee could apparently conjure itself from molecules in surrounding space just so the man could drink it) raised to his lips as he took a swig.

"Honestly, Qrow. That would just be ridiculous."


	4. The Christmas Chapter

**The Obligatory (And Fashionably Late) Christmas Omake**

 **or,**

 **How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Deadline (In My Rear-View Mirror)**

* * *

"Christ...mas?"

Jaune's brow furrowed as he pronounced the new word, pausing in his careful wipe-down of Luna Machaera. "What is...Christmas?"

The blond directed the question to Pyrrha, who was mirroring him on her bed by performing weapon maintenance on Miló and Akoúo̱. The redhead blinked several times as she looked up from her work, her expression carrying a slight hint of disbelief and a healthier dose of sorrow. She opened her mouth to reply...but Jaune lost sight of her, since his entire vision was suddenly engulfed by two pairs of eyes – one teal, one silver.

"Jaune...you've never celebrated Christmas?" Nora asked, looking inordinately serious. Her expression was mirrored by Ruby, who had made her way from the RWBY dorm to the JNPR room in the same time it had taken Nora to cross said room.

Behind them, Ren just looked at where their door was lying on the floor, having been knocked completely off its hinges, and sighed as he got up to go and look for the carpentry supplies – _again_.

"No, I have not." Jaune replied, brow still furrowed. "So it is a celebration?"

Nora and Ruby turned to look at one another, nodded seriously, and then each grabbed one of the blond's arms. "Jaune," Ruby declared, "you're coming with us – we're going to _educate_ you."

The leader barely had time to open his mouth for a question before he was pulled out of his seat and the world blurred around him with a rush of air.

Behind the vanished trio, four heads leaned out of their respective dorms to look down the corridor, its carpet now bearing two lines of burning footprints where friction with the passing students had ignited the fibres.

Yang, Blake and Weiss looked over to Pyrrha, who looked back and offered a helpless kind of sigh. "So, I take it Ruby is rather fond of Christmas?"

Yang nodded. "Um...yeah..." The brawler scratched the back of her head, looking rather sheepish. Blake raised an eyebrow, and Yang let out a sigh of her own. "Look, it's just...when mom disappeared, keeping Ruby functioning was...hard, y'know? I didn't really know what I was doing, so I tried to act like she used to – and, well, I only saw how she acted when we were little, and I didn't really think about it until recently, but..."

She let out another long sigh, before murmuring something. Blake heard her, her expression going flat, but Weiss and Pyrrha didn't catch it. "I'm sorry Yang, could you please say that again?" The redhead requested.

"...Ruby still believes in Santa Claus."

Weiss and Pyrrha's features sank into blankness. "So..." The Heiress began, "what you're saying, is that the _very impressionable_ Jaune was just abducted by Nora, and our leader – who still believes in Santa Claus. To be ' _educated_ '."

Yang just nodded.

Blake, Pyrrha and Weiss exchanged looks, then immediately took off down the hall, following the footprints.

Yang watched after them, wondering if it was too late to call the Headmaster and ask him to declare a state of emergency.

Across the hallway, Ren started standing JNPR's door back up and fetching a new set of hinges.

* * *

The three-woman task force followed the trail of burning footprints through the dorm and out into the courtyard, then tracked the singed grass and sooty paving stones to the dining hall. A quick stop in the kitchens resulted in a rather terrified chef going on a rant about how he wasn't paid enough to guard mince pies with his life, while his colleague, who was slightly more in control of himself, silently pointed to the back door.

The trail continued into the main school building, where Weiss' eyebrow started twitching dangerously as they came across the teacher's lounge. Professor Port was sprawled on the ground, apparently unconscious, and the fridge was hanging open – revealing that several cartons of eggnog had apparently gone missing.

Continuing the hunt brought them to Professor Oobleck's quarters, where they found the good doctor trapped in his own folding bed, his wardrobe missing its doors and only a few of his colourful ties left.

Vehement cursing greeted them at the next stop, where they found Professor Forge – the engineering, computing and electronics instructor – going on a rant about how much it would cost to replace his wires and LEDs.

From there, the trail led out of a nearby window (well, a window _frame_ to be more precise – windows generally contained glass.) and into the early evening of Winter, making a beeline for the courtyard once more.

At this point, Blake was idly wondering why the White Fang hadn't already taken over the world if Beacon's professors could be routinely defeated by the students, Weiss had resigned herself to never living down whatever her leader had pulled this time, and Pyrrha was planning the scolding she was going to give her leader when she got her hands on him...her hands...on him...

The warrior nearly tripped over her own feet, shaking her head to clear it and hoping her companions would blame the red in her cheeks on the running.

The trail led them straight to the Tower, where the three shared glances of apprehension. This was the _Headmaster's_ building – surely, not even _those_ three would dare do something here...?

They all came to the same conclusion simultaneously, and Weiss raised Myrtenaster, conjuring a large white glyph under the three of them. It spun rapidly, then began lifting straight into the air, carrying the three students into the air.

It took the heiress two minutes to get them all level with the top of the building, gritting her teeth in concentration all the way as she made sure none of them were going to fall through the plane of force she was generating below them. Her eyes were closed to avoid distractions, but they opened in surprise when something hooked around her waist and pulled her forwards.

"Good, you're here Weiss!" Ruby declared, and the girl in question stared at Crescent Rose. The giant sniper-scythe. Which her partner _had just used to pull her onto the roof of the tower._

The heiress was struck speechless for a moment as the weapon was folded away, not even able to comprehend what she was going to do to her partner but knowing it would be _legendary_ , while the red-dressed girl seemed entirely oblivious to her rapidly-worsening fate. "You must've seen a load of Christmas trees, since you're all rich and snowy and everything-"

Weiss' eyebrow twitched hard enough to move her jaw into a full grimace.

"-so, waddya think?"

More by reflex than anything, Weiss followed a sweep of Ruby's arm, laying eyes on what her partner was indicating.

Beside her, Blake and Pyrrha did likewise – the former having been grabbed by Myrtenaster, while Jaune had simply ferried the latter by hand with two quick leaps.

All three pursuers stared mutely at the tower's spire, currently visible behind and above their three errant teammates – Nora skipping in place and whistling happily, Jaune looking somewhat proud, and Ruby herself framing her own chin with thumb and forefinger as if she were staring at some great work of art.

What lay before them could, in an alternate dimension, _possibly_ be called the junkyard parody of a Christmas tree's unfortunate half-brother. The metal pillar had been wrapped around with the multicoloured ties that Doctor Oobleck was known to favour, each tied to another almost like tinsel; woven in and amongst the fabric were LED Dust lights, each seemingly powered by an orange-insulted wire presumably connected to a power source.

And unless they were very much mistaken, those pink-and-steel canisters hung from various points on either the wire or the ties were Magnhild's grenades in place of baubles, apparently soldered to the hooks from clothes hangers somehow.

Beneath it, a large platter of mince pies had been arranged in a pyramid, next to the missing eggnog.

"What...do I think?" Weiss continued to stare at the pillar in front of her, while by her side her grip on Myrtenaster became firm enough to set it shaking. "What do I _think?"_

Ruby looked over at her partner, who was shaking in place with her eyes hidden by her hair. Blake and Pyrrha were both backing away from the girl surreptitiously, while Nora was still whistling her way through Remnant's entire roster of Christmas carols, and Jaune looked a bit apprehensive.

"I _think_ ," Weiss snapped, "that you have _no_ idea what you are doing!" The heiress stomped over, grabbing Ruby by the hood of her cloak, and then started dragging her toward the edge of the building, where a glyph spun into existence.

She tossed the girl bodily onto the glowing image, then _glared_ back at the others. " _Get on._ " She snarled, and Jaune hastened to obey, leaving an empty corridor of air in his wake as he vanished from the roof and reappeared on the glyph, Nora, Blake and Pyrrha quickly following behind.

The fall to the ground was much quicker than the climb away from it, and the six disembarked the glyph half a metre above the ground before Weiss dragged Ruby back toward the dorms, the other members of the group following behind.

They stopped in the JNPR/RWBY corridor just long enough for the heiress to reach under her bed and grab several boxes, which she tossed at Jaune. As the blond struggled to catch and balance all of them, she stomped back into the corridor and dragged her partner away, while Pyrrha tried to explain things to Yang and Blake just wondered how her life had become like this.

The conjoined forces of BY and JNPR caught up with their two newly-errant members at the edge of the Beacon tree-line, where Weiss had _glared_ Ruby into sitting still – well, more like she had petrified the younger girl with a stare before beginning to tap her foot.

When Jaune was within five metres of her, the heiress raised Myrtenaster, which began to grow a light green. She gestured with the blade like it was a conductor's baton, and the boxes all rose from the surprised teen's arms.

The containers orbited the Schnee for a moment, as she brought up her blade in front of her face, closing her eyes and breathing out as her head lowered. Then, she pirouetted, pointing her weapon at a nearby tree.

All the lids popped off simultaneously, the contents disgorged into the air where they began to hover. RBY and JNPR didn't have time to really examine them, though, before they seemed to take on a life of their own and took off at high velocity toward the tree Weiss was indicating as she began to twitch her blade like a conductor's baton.

There was a miniature typhoon of colours for about ten seconds, during which time an observer might have been forgiven for thinking Weiss was attempting to conduct an orchestral version of 'Through the Fire and Flames', such was the speed of her motions. Then, she came to an abrupt halt, and the disturbance settled to reveal the finished product.

RBY stared. JPR stared. Nora started jumping up and down and clapping loudly.

Weiss just looked smug.

In the space of ten seconds, the tree she had been targeting had been utterly transformed. Tinsel was arranged in moderation, following spiralling paths up the trunk and through the branches so that no colour was interfering with another, but rather helped to enhance its fellows' vibrancy. Baubles of varied sizes and colours saved to entertain the eye wherever it fell on a spot lacking the shimmer of the tinsel, their glossy surfaces catching the light.

Like a field of stars, Christmas lights – seemingly completely without support or a powering wire – were hung among the tinsel and the branches, casting light that danced among the fronds of the metallic decoration and brightened even the air around the tree.

Weiss eyed her creation once more, before smirking and flicking Myrtenaster in an almost careless fashion. A glyph spun into existence, somewhere between white and a pale blue, and there was a brief flurry of white. When it dispersed, snow decorated the ground around the tree and most of its branches – just a dusting; not enough to muffle the colours of the decorations or interfere with the way the branches hung, but just enough to catch even more light, and add to the overall theme.

In short, it was a picture-perfect Christmas tree.

The Schnee heiress tucked her weapon back through her belt, placed her hands on her hips and turned to face her audience with an imperious look. " _That_ ," she declared, "is a Christmas tree."

Ruby looked up at the arboreal artwork, grudgingly admitting that the one she, Jaune and Nora had made might – _might_ – have been ever-so-slightly less awesome than this one. Still, she couldn't help but feel like it was missing something...

Behind her, Nora thought the same thing. She looked between the top of the tree and Weiss, then to Jaune, then to Ruby, before getting a glint in her eye. Ren saw the look and immediately sidestepped away a touch, as the hammer-wielder leaned over to Yang and whispered something her ear.

The brawler looked back at the girl incredulously for a moment, before abruptly taking on a thoughtful countenance. She too looked over to the two leaders, seemingly debating with herself, before nodding and returning Nora's knowing smirk.

"That's a really nice tree, Weiss-cream." She commented, drawing a reflexive twitch of the eyebrow from the Schnee heiress. "But you forgot something."

Weiss raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms and staring at the brawler. "Oh? Well then, by all means Xiao-Long – tell me what I've missed."

Smirking through the sarcasm, Yang tilted her head back quickly, indicating the top of the tree with her chin. "The angel on top, of course!"

Weiss frowned. "An angel? Xiao-Long, everyone knows that it's a star which goes on top of a Christmas tree!"

Yang opened her mouth to ask why there wasn't one of those in it instead in that case, but turned when she heard a squeak to her side.

Glancing in that direction, Yang was treated to the sight of her sister being held carefully in a bridal carry, while Jaune moved toward the tree with her arms wrapped around her neck. Ruby stuttered a series of noises that must have translated to something like 'Why', since Jaune shrugged as he kept moving forward, until he was standing before the tree next to Weiss'.

He crouched, then pushed off quickly, landing perfectly on a sturdy branch and immediately bending his knees again. He repeated his motion twice more, putting himself and his passenger at the top of the tree and mostly level with the heights of the other plant's tip. A quick hop had them balancing on one of the uppermost branches, Ruby screwing her eyes shut in preparation for a fall.

It didn't come. Instead, Jaune glowed with a phosphorescent white light which spread down the branch and into the trunk proper, where it spread out to encompass the entire tree. With its structure reinforced by the energy, the branch just held the two of them, as Jaune nudged his passenger with one arm.

She blinked a couple of times, looking around quickly to be sure that they weren't falling, then looked back to Jaune. "Yang said there must be an angel on top of the tree." He informed her, simply.

If it was actually possible, Ruby turned almost exactly the same shade of red as her cloak, promptly grabbing her hood and flipping it up despite the awkwardness of the motion. Jaune chuckled, looking down from their perch.

Weiss was still arguing with Yang, who was laughing herself silly, while Nora was doing much the same thing. Ren and Blake were both standing back, each glancing at Pyrrha, who was looking up rather forlornly.

Jaune frowned – she was upset? Well, if she wanted to come up too, she should just have said.

Still, carrying both his friend and his partner at once would be a bit tricky – he only had so many arms. So, he needed more support for them.

He blinked as an idea came to him, then started muttering under his breath.

 **We are the Shadow of the Sun.**

* * *

Pyrrha watched Jaune go, hopping up the tree without putting a foot wrong, carrying his fellow leader with him. She wasn't sure what he said to her, standing atop the most glorious Christmas tree she'd ever beheld, but she could see the reddening of the younger girl's face even from the ground.

She tried to keep her feelings off her face, but wasn't sure if she succeeded. She knew she didn't have some kind of right toward Jaune – she had no good reason to be jealous at all. She had no good reason for wishing she was in Ruby's place at that moment, no grounds to base an argument on why it _should_ be her there.

She didn't have a leg to stand on – which made it all the more frustrating, as she stood looking up at the two teens, lit from below and around by Weiss' decorations and Jaune's Aura.

Wasn't Christmas only days away? Wasn't this the time of wishes coming true? Why, then, was she still so far away?

She was still wondering that when space abruptly turned itself inside out and her perspective changed from being on the ground, to looking down at it.

She blinked rapidly, looking around quickly. Next to her, face just emerging from her hood almost like a turtle from its shell, Ruby was doing much the same thing in abject confusion. "Jaune...?" She asked quietly, while from below Nora's laughter kicked up a notch.

"Down here, Ruby."

The voice did indeed come from below them, and both Ruby and Pyrrha looked down.

All they could really see was his back, since they were currently seated on it. The blond was in a push-up position, anchoring himself via hands and feet with his back almost perfectly flat, flawlessly balanced across two branches.

Neither girl was entirely sure what to say, and glanced at one another. In that moment, Pyrrha couldn't find it in herself to be jealous of Ruby – nor could she feel angry with her, or even frustrated.

Instead, she just laughed right along with her, set off by Nora and Yang below, as Weiss almost fell to her hands and knees as she surrendered to the general insensibility that plagued RWBY and JNPR.

Below her, Pyrrha could feel the vibrations as Jaune himself chuckled as well, and sighed as her right hand went out and gently stroked his hair without her really thinking about it. "Jaune..." She asked quietly, knowing he'd hear her even if Ruby couldn't.

The head of blond hair tilted slightly, indicating he was listening. "Why did you bring me up here?" She was happy that he'd done so, but she didn't know if she could take hearing it was out of some kind of pity.

There was a pause, then a slight rise and fall of her position that was probably a shrug. "Goddesses are close to angels, are they not? Just like reapers."

The redhead stared down at her partner for a few moments, then joined back in the laughter of her fellows, louder than before. "Of course..." She laughed to herself. "Of course, it would be that." She looked down fondly. "Merry Christmas, Jaune."

"Merry Christmas, Pyrrha."

* * *

Ozpin chuckled to himself, turning away from his desk, which was currently displaying an image from a security camera in the tree-line. Qrow was a bit more vocal, laughing heartily as he took another swig from his flask. "The parallels between young Jaune and Taiyang grow more pronounced with each passing day..." The Headmaster commented, sipping his cocoa.

The other Huntsman snorted, finally coming down from his mirth. "Doesn't he though? It's almost scary." He shook his head, and Ozpin noticed a devious light come on in the other man's eyes. "Well," he declared, "just one more thing I gotta do tonight."

The Headmaster raised an eyebrow, as Qrow reached into his waistcoat and produced a small branch with dark-green leaves and white berries. "Mistletoe, Qrow? Are you sure?"

"Yup!" Qrow declared cheerfully, pocketing the plant and rubbing his hands together. "Even if they ignore it, the looks on their faces should be _brilliant_ – _especially_ when they've got to explain it to Jaune!"

Ozpin chuckled again, turning to the window. "Indeed." He paused, then smiled to himself. "Although, I do believe you've forgotten something."

The other Huntsman scratched his head, thinking. "And that is?"

The sound of a throat being cleared sounded behind Qrow, who froze in place. He turned slowly, finding Glynda Goodwitch slapping her riding crop into her left palm. He attempted a chuckle, though it sounded a bit forced. "You're not still mad about the little joke with you and Peter last year, are you Glynda...?"

The sadistic grin on her face was more than enough answer.

* * *

The next day, Taiyang Xiao-Long opened up a package from Beacon to find a tired, badly-ruffled crow. He looked at it for a long moment as it glared back, then a smirk crept over his face. "Glynda told you to get _stuffed_ , huh?"

* * *

 **Author's Note**

 **Merry Christmas, everyone, and a happy new year!**

 **Sorry this is late in uploading, but the 25th came and went in a snap for me. Hey, at least I got an interesting title out of it!**

 **...I'll let you decide the exact definition of 'interesting' here.**

 **It's been a while since I've done anything on FF, and I'm sorry about that – progress is slow on all fronts for me lately, but I _am_ doing work on Gloria, so hopefully I'll have something to show for it relatively soon. Thanks for sticking with me, and I hope you enjoyed this little bit of silliness!**

 **Also, sorry about the pun - I think I may have read one too many Christmas cracker jokes.**


End file.
